| Step one:
Decide which countries I'd be interested in studying in.
Step two:
Choose three schools in each of the countries to apply to. The best school, the school I have the best chance of getting into, and the school that will most likely provide the most financial assistance. (Thanks, Dr. Barnhart!)
Step three:
Applyificate. | Listen to the silence.   |
| Someone at school likes to condemn people as going to hell. He says it brings them to repentance. I argued with him, because he's clearly wrong. While people our condemned to hell, the ministry we have been entrusted with is not of estrangement, but of reconciliation. We do not scare people into dodging eternal punishment, but we entice people with the greatest gift anyone could ever receive: no longer estrangement but fellowship with their father in heaven.
He feels he's right because prophets came to preach messages about destruction. They were persecuted and killed. He's a martyr. He thinks he's without sin, but he's arrogant, lacking brotherly kindness and love; he loves discord and hates peace. I do not think his salvation is worthwhile. He seems to me a thornbush.
But thank God. I attended a Christian school to restore my faith, and it destroyed it more. But within weeks of attending FAU, I have brothers and sisters in Christ calling me to a higher standard, to a standard that brings life. This is what I was longing for.
I want everyone to know Jesus. Not as false prophets portray him, but as he truly is. He loves all men, desiring to reconcile them to God at the cost of his precious life. But that reconciliation--a free gift--requires that we not become complacent about what estranged us from God in the first place, that we take our actions seriously. This is the message I wish to share. I wish to pressure no one--lest the message get perverted--but invite everyone willing to take up their cross. I wish that, in teaching, I will be the greatest student. | | Listen to the silence. |
| Every day stuff goes through my mind that is over, done with, and irrelevant. I've made a mistake, I trusted the wrong people, I lost a huge part of me, and all I have is all that's left.
In Economics, we call any capital that is irretrievable--and typically poorly invested--a sunk cost. The money has been spent, you will not get it back. Sometimes when people spend a lot of money on a hopeful investment, and it starts to fail, instead of exploring all of their options from this point forward they hold on to their investments in their former hopes. This is fallacious and unproductive, because you will net greater returns by ignoring the past and considering only the future. But we hate to think of the past as a waste, and so we hold on.
I think that's what I am experiencing emotionally. I want so desperately for the three useless years, all the emotion my little heart could muster, and my purity to prove worthwhile. I hate to see such precious things squandered--and squandered for so little! I keep thinking about them. Every day:
'If only...no, there are no if only's. But...maybe...if only... If only what? There are no if only's. It was a huge mistake. She was never to be trusted; from the first time you sat on her couch, before you ever kissed her, and said "I'll never get tired of you. Will you get tired of me?" To which she responded, "well of course I will, I mean eventually." You knew it was a bad investment. You invested. You lost. There are no if only's.
It was never good. Likewise, it never could have been good. Ever. This time the past is a useless waste. But the future is looking gorgeous, because the Holy Spirit took away my mistake and replaced it with himself. This is too good of an opportunity, the greatest opportunity imaginable. I cannot spend it mourning a sunk cost. Focus, Matthew, focus! | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| | I am particularly frustrated at how predisposed to love I am. Girls don't matter. There's too much to do as a single person. Why am I so lonely, sometimes? | | Listen to the silence. |
| I'm just going back and reading the narrative of my contemplative life.
Wow. All this pain is for good. I spent so much time saying to myself, "I want to follow Jesus. I want to work hard. I want to do my best. I want to make the people who love me proud. I want to make a difference. But all I do is make excuses." The Holy Spirit was at work in my life. He punished me. He took things I held dear away. He caused me genuine pain and suffering. And, like an interrogated prisoner growing that much more determined with torture, its pushed me. It's motivated me. My dreams are being realized. My goals are being reached. For the first time in a long time I can say I am a function of who I want to be. I am not restricted by a complacent world or a complacent family. I am not drifting away from the Christ, whose suffering redeemed me from the refuse that surrounds me, that suffocates me. I am actually becoming who I want to be--and who I'm intended to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I prayed: Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it to you. It's happening; it's painful; it's beautiful. | | Listen to the silence. |
| It started when I went to Kent's wedding. Oh it was beautiful. And I'm happy for Kent, and so happy for Michelle. But it reminded me of the past. It reminded me of the girl who once loved me, the girl who once had sex with me as a promise to marry me, and then broke her promise, leaving me feeling no less than raped. There was so much good at the start. There really was.
And this is what makes it hurt: My life belongs to Jesus. It's the reason I was saved from that travesty of a relationship, where I was little more than emotionally abused and well aware of it. Because Jesus has better things for me. But the companionship I once relied upon is gone. There's no one to call at the end of the day to say "I love you" to, and it breaks my heart. And the physical intimacy in which I once engaged has not only left me in want, but left me completely without. And my heart belongs to Jesus; I will not play with it for lust like I did before.
But there they are: My ex-friend, who would never heed my concerns about his sexual appetite; and my ex-wife, who could never seem to muster any emotional appetite for me; together. Engaging in all the things I long for, all the things that were special to me--not because I needed it, but because I loved the idea of finding it in her. Specifically her. She was the one I chose, she was the one I fought for, she was the one I wanted. But everything I held dear in her, she has simply tossed aside to replace with casual lust for someone who spent the last six months telling me that he couldn't find her attractive if he tried.
I am special; I need to wait; I need to consider what is right. It is what I have been called to do, and I have little other choice aside from my own destruction. I want to kiss; I cannot. I want to cuddle; I must abstain. I want to share I love you's and the deepest intimacies, I want to father our child, I want to surprise her with gifts simply because it pleases me to love my bride. I have no bride. There is no easy way out of this--except patience.
This is the most painful patience of my entire life. The whole thing was caused by two people who could not--and did not, ever--care. Surely, sincerely, God is good. | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| I had a douchebag teacher for Business Management, Dr. Eassa. I'm not going to list my grievances against him, except that he was incredibly inconsiderate during tests, most likely because he didn't respect other people; he is the kind of man who finds respect more easily demanded than earned.
So as he handed the tests out to all the students of the class individually, he wished each one "good luck to ya." Over and over and over. Something like 25 students. Whatever. Wasting 10% of my test-taking time wasn't too bad. Frustrating, but whatever. But then, during the exam, he calls a student to the front, and proceeds to reem him, in a little above a whisper, for mispelling his name. During the test. Whatever, another minor setback. Then, I get to a question which was worded as if the writer were either completely uneducated or very drunk. So I raised my hand to get a clarification. "NO QUESTIONS." But, Dr. Eassa... "NO QUESTIONS." Very rude.
So I decided to respectfully reem him on the cover of my exam, indicating how rude he is to talk for the first 10% of the exam, and then reem a student during the test, but not take two minutes to clarify the jibberish that he didn't bother to proofread.
He got pissed. He called my house. He called my cell phone. I may as well have vandalized his home or vehicle or child. He called over and over and over. I was in class when he called. I returned his call as soon as we were on a break. He indicated to me that if I didn't meet with him to apologize for the trash that I wrote, he would have me unilaterally removed from PBA. I said, Sure Dr. Eassa! I'd love to clarify what I meant.
I met with him. He told me that I'm acting out because I'm unhappy. I told him that he was rude to talk during the test. He told me that he didn't, and I am a liar (note: he did not say I was lying, he said I am a liar). I said, no, you did; and now you just called me a liar. He said he never called me a liar, but said I was lying. He then told me that I was trying to blame him for failing to prepare for the test, which I eventually got a steady B on. I told him he should proofread his test questions. He told me he was going to have me kicked out of the school if I didn't apologize and complete a punitive assignment. I gave in and said IM SO SRY DR EASSA!
The punitive assignment was about locus of control, a psychological model describing the level of responsibility one takes in the outcome of his life. I read the article. It was interesting. His conjecture was that I have a significantly external locus of control, blaming my shortcomings on stellar professors like himself.
I wrote the paper, about how my locus of control is too internalized. How I fail to recognize an idiot, like Dr. Eassa, as being capable of imparting any knowledge to someone like myself. Instead, I try to take responsibility for his shortcomings by telling him that he's wrong, and telling him he needs to fix things and do things rightly.
I was right. But he never read my paper. I insulted the hell out of him and he called me a good kid. I don't care, the article was interesting. And I learned something about myself.
Here's the important part!
It's true. I have a highly internalized locus of control. When other people mess up, I feel like I have failed my responsibility to help them realize their mistakes and grow past them. When other people feel bad about themselves, I feel like I have failed my duty to remind them how great they are. When people fail to respect themselves, their friends, their family, or God, I feel like if only I tell them, a little more convincingly, they'll get it, and fix it.
Their mistakes are my shortcomings.
No they aren't. This is something else I've learned from Joelle, among others. People, like Joelle, who love themselves, can't lose that love from discouragement. When everything in the world told Joelle that she's not a worthwhile person, she constantly reminded herself that she was much better than anyone gave her credit for, and she doesn't need to care about what other people, people without any sense of self, think. No one could take that from her.
Conversely, people who don't love themselves, people like Erik, will not inherit self-esteem from the self-esteemed; I cannot fix him. I tried to encourage him. Erik, you can do better. Erik, you don't need to drink. Erik, respect girls like you want guys to respect your sister. Erik, making out with a girl you don't love, naked in the hot tub, is not respecting yourself or her. Erik, you love Jesus, so follow him. Every day. Read your bible. Meet girls at church, not bars. Erik, put Christ first, are you going to church on sunday?
Seven months later, he could not contain his sexual frustration any longer, nor could he respect me enough to find someone worth venting it on, someone who wouldn't break my heart. So he took the one girl who ever meant anything to me and valued her as little as he valued himself.
And I get it now. It's not my fault. I took all the self-esteem I had, and said Erik, this is how you should feel about yourself. He'd agree with his mouth, and disagree with his actions. I thought he needed to be reminded. He didn't. He just needed to earn self-esteem for himself.
People with self-esteem create. People without it destroy. And now I'm finally seeing: Things are happening the way they are because they, Erik and Adrianne, know little more than destruction. And it is only when they destroy themselves beyond repair that they will consider the need to create--to recreate. They'll discover the need for self-esteem. They'll earn it for themselves.
I was trying to fix others all along. I should have been building a better me; and letting that inspire others to fix themselves. | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| Matthew James Davis isn't so much frustrated at the pain of being hurt; is frustrated that the only thing he did wrong was trust people without the emotional, intellectual, or ethical capacity to warrant any trust. I am my greatest capital, and I'm a fool to invest it carelessly.
Beth Lewter at 7:03am July 15
so what i hear you saying is that you are trustworthy and the other person is not, and that you are righter / better than this emotionless, stupid, unethical, incapacitated individual. Elevating your worth above another. It seems to me that life isn't as much about choosing the trustworthy people as it is about accepting the fact that we are all imperfect and this hurts and learning to deal with this reality in a healthy way. Conversely, it has been my experience that those who want to put their trust in God above all else are the most vulnerable to misplaced trust in people ... there is something very wrong with that and I have yet to figure out why I do this over and over!! One of my favorite proverbs is "Trust no man - trust God only". We have no reasonable expectation that others will be trustworthy enough to save us from pain. :) Why is it that we aren't "happy" when we find out for certain another is not trustworthy it seems I may want to rejoice about knowing that!
Matthew James Davis at 7:25am July 15
It's very true. Because when we trust God, our trust is well placed. We begin to assume that all trust may be well placed. In my case, I thought I was placing my trust in someone who trusted God. That was my mistake.
As for the elevation comment, assuming that "all people are bad" is not the same as assuming "some people are worse than others." I argue the latter. But even so, I strive to be good. I strive to consider every decision, and believe that each one counts for something. I'm not as untrustworthy as some people, who attach no gravity to their decisions.
Beth Lewter at 10:14am July 15
:) I don't believe in Good people and bad people ... only people equal in value regardless of their decisions. People that make good choices and people that make bad choices. I agree it is unhealthy to view all people as bad people. I don't doubt for a minute that you conciously make wise choices and do in fact accomplish that ... and you will reap the benefits of that!
Matthew James Davis at 10:34am July 15
I don't believe anyone is precluded from good or bad decisions. But good people make good decisions constantly, and bad people make mad decisions constantly. It's a spectrum and I'm sure its normally distributed, and I know people can move up and down it at will.
But I don't meet people that do.
Laura Hartman at 10:53am July 15
Mind if I join the conversation? We are all born bad. Original sin and all that. We all can be forgiven because Jesus died for us, which means every bad person has the potential to become a righteous (good) person through Jesus Christ. BUT we all fight a spiritual war against our flesh and the world and the enemy, right? So every good person has the potential to really mess up and hurt others, behaving very badly. Enter forgiveness. If Jesus offers it to us, we must offer it to others, unconditionally. 70 x 7, right? Not just to Christians, not just to friends or family, not just to the deserving. How will the world ever know Jesus forgives if we as Christians do not forgive like He does?
I don't know who hurt you or how Matthew. But I'm praying that God will comfort you and bring you into a place of absolute forgiveness, because that, precious and valuable man, is also the place of absolute healing of the heart and spirit.
Matthew James Davis at 10:54am July 15
Thanks Laura. I'm just feeling crappy. But you're right, absent forgiveness I'll harbor resentment. Thanks for praying for me.
Beth Lewter at 2:03pm July 15
I'm uncertain as to which things are beyond my ability to change and which aren't. I'm a terribly inconsistent person ... does this make me unstable ... or changeable? If I apply your logic that one's position on the good / bad spectrum is determined "at will" I'd have to say I'm a bad person because I've made bad decisions over and over and over (the same ones more than once!)
Good / bad sounds an awful lot like right / wrong - why does it have to be about good and bad, right and wrong? Can't it be about .... relationship? How does good relate to bad between people? Or how does right relate to wrong between people? Acceptable or Unacceptable? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So if you are right (trustworthy) and she is wrong (untrustworthy) does that make you acceptable and her unacceptable? Are you mad at me yet?
Beth Lewter at 2:08pm July 15
The world can know forgiveness even if Christian's don't example it because GOD is powerful enough to do that all by himself and every individual has access to God.
Matthew James Davis at 4:15pm July 15
Not mad at you, I just find your logic, well...
"If I apply your logic that one's position on the good / bad spectrum is determined "at will" I'd have to say I'm a bad person because I've made bad decisions over and over and over (the same ones more than once!)"
Would you be mad at me if I agreed with that statement, in a broader sense? If you make terrible decisions over and over, and never learn from them, then yes, you're being a bad person. But you act like those decisions are an inevitibility. Thats the hallmark of a bad person, a lack of responsibility. Not a single action you take is inevitible. You're responsible for them. You determine your choices
"So if you are right (trustworthy) and she is wrong (untrustworthy) does that make you acceptable and her unacceptable?"
I don't like the word acceptable. I'd say ethical. And yes, If I make good decisions and she makes bad decisions, then I am by definition more ethical than she.
Beth Lewter at 6:31pm July 15
No need for me to be mad - you are not my judge (whew whee!) - God is and I am confident to stand before him right this very second. Ah yes ... responsibility ... so it is possible to be absolutely responsible? And, if one is more ethical than another that means the value of the life of that person is more or less? Would that mean that my salvation is contingent upon my own power to be responsbile? I think my salvation has been brought about by the power of Jesus Christ not my ability to be absoluetly responsible.
Matthew James Davis at 11:14pm July 15
"you are not my judge - God is"
Paul placed the responsibility of accountability on brothers and sisters in the faith.
"And, if one is more ethical than another that means the value of the life of that person is more or less?"
Value? To whom? I mean precisely that a person is more or less ethical than another. If you value being ethical, then you'll be more valuable to yourself if you're more ethical.
"Would that mean that my salvation is contingent upon my own power to be responsbile?"
Your salvation is contingent upon faith in Jesus Christ. Your faith is indicated by the gravity you attribute to your actions. Jesus didn't say "think about maybe taking up your cross weekly if you feel like it and heading in my general direction." He charged us with a responsibility. If you take your salvation seriously, you will take your responsibilities to it seriously.
Beth Lewter at 12:44am July 16
Thanks for the sermon Matthew .... I was raised by a preacher. I'm quite clear on Biblical theology taught by Christians. My intent was to encourage you, obviously it didn't go that way, so sorry. I was responding to your display of pain. Your statement that your only wrong was to trust the wrong person is a childish blame statement that ... Read Moresuggests you are in charge of ever being hurt by anyone by always making wise decisions. That simply is an untruth. Our "charge" to responsibility does not negate the number one thing, being loving. It simply isn't loving to publicize someone else's "wrong" as you did above - It is arrogant - a put down. Also, it is unrealistic to believe that it is possible to never ever make a foolish mistake - more than once! The way I see it is that you wouldn't be in pain if you in fact believed yourself to be good enough. All my sins forgiven yet still I sometimes find I won't forgive another - who's sins are just like mine.
Matthew James Davis at 10:34am July 16
"Your statement that your only wrong was to trust the wrong person is a childish blame statement that suggests you are in charge of ever being hurt by anyone by always making wise decisions. That simply is an untruth. Our "charge" to responsibility does not negate the number one thing, being loving."
These are not opposed, responsibility and love. One cannot negate the other.
"It simply isn't loving to publicize someone else's "wrong" as you did above - It is arrogant - a put down."
Validating someone elses mistake as "their choice" and "whatever makes them happy" seems to be the best alternative to calling it a mistake. Is that the loving attitutde I should adopt?
Matthew James Davis at 10:39am July 16
"Also, it is unrealistic to believe that it is possible to never ever make a foolish mistake - more than once! The way I see it is that you wouldn't be in pain if you in fact believed yourself to be good enough."
It -is- unrealistic to believe that. It is unethical to believe that the inevitibility of mistakes retracts your responsibility to avoid them. My pain is not derived from this belief, my comfort is.
The cause of my pain was being taken advantage of, being devalued for that which I hold to be good; my solace rests in the fact that I chose to value the wrong people because I wanted acceptance more than I wanted self-actualization. Which was a mistake. I am comforted to know that I am responsible to never make this mistake again, that I am not damned to repeat this foolish behavior over and over.
Matthew James Davis at 10:41am July 16
"All my sins forgiven yet still I sometimes find I won't forgive another - who's sins are just like mine."
Christ said to the whore in the temple "does anyone remain to condemn you? Then neither do I. Go and sin no longer." Forgiveness is not the failure to recognize a mistake as such. Forgiveness is the recognition of the ability to learn from it. Forgiveness is the failure to attribute a mistake to the character of a person as their inevitible self-definition. Forgiveness is reminding the person that they've made a mistake, and they never have to do it again.
"Go and sin no longer." | | Listen to the silence. |
| Here is a great question an economist should answer: If a person is content to do their second, third, or fourth best--if they are content to never understand what their "best" truly is--then how much food do they deserve to eat. Can we do a regression analysis? Can we build a model?
I haven't ever done my best, or second best. I excuse myself from that. I slack off and use the time I spend slacking off to make excuses as to why I'm slacking off. I deserve to starve.
I'm capable. I swear I am. I'm Hercules. When I murder a lion with my bare hands, people are going to think I'm a superhero.
The biggest shame of all is that my superpowers are derived from their excuses, from my excuses. | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| | Current Music: | [Dashboard Confessional; Several Ways to Die Trying] | | Subject: | I wish I didn't exist. | | Time: | 11:06 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/sad.gif) isolated |
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| | I really do. | | Listen to the silence. |
| Fuck it. There's no one in the world worth this. There's no one in the whole world who I can count on. I'm all I've got.
They say that love goes anywhere. In your darkest time, its just enough to know its there. When you go, I'll let you be, but you're killing everything in me.
[Jimmy Eat World; Polaris] | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| | Current Music: | Mae; All Deliberate Speed | | Subject: | A short story. | | Time: | 04:04 pm | | Current Mood: | isolated |
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| So, I have a hard time trusting people. It's much easier to refer to that as "meeting people I like." Sounds much less hostile. So, I have a hard time meeting people I like. Sometimes I meet people who want me to like them, but I just have a hard time going out of my way to believe that they're sincere.
Occasionally I meet someone I like. Usually that like is a trivial friendship. Sometimes, that "like" is something so much more. It's rare, but it happens. So I kinda open myself up. The story of my life consists of two outcomes thereof, which is the point of the story.
Scenario A: I open up, its unreciprocated. Nine times out of ten, they already have enough people in their life to make me anywhere close to important to them. So I say screw it and go back to being as alone as ever.
Scenario B: I open up, and its reciprocated. I have a genuine relationship. Fantastic. But then a marginal amount of time goes by, and the reciprocation ceases. Why? Because I'm not worth it? I don't know. But it always happens. If it gets this far, I'm just marking the calendar to see how long they last before they move away and forget about me, completely change and make me obscolete, replace me, give up on me, or otherwise lose interest in me.
And then there I am. Alone again. I'm okay, but definitely feeling stupid. Liking people that much less. Trusting people that much less.
And here I am again. Thanks, Adrianne. You didn't let me down.
And thanks to you too. I've never met anyone who made me feel both A and B simultaneously, and no less severely. It's not your fault. But let me know if you have any idea how to shake off the feeling that I'm completely nothing. | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| This is such a waste of my time. I feel completely irrational. I don't like it at all.
I know what I want. I can't have what I want. I could continue to try for it and humiliate myself, and that might actually get me somewhere, but I'd really rather not. I'm all for working for what I want, but if I'm not what she wants, and I'm not worth working for; if I'm not worth ditching the douchebag who has hurt her plenty of times before, then--whatever--I don't care. I've got better things to do than sit around and want what I can't have.
If she wants it, she'll work for it. And I'm sure as hell worth it. | | Listen to the silence. |
| | Current Music: | Coheed and Cambria - The Light and the Glass | | Subject: | Duty, to whom? | | Time: | 10:37 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/discontent.gif) discontent |
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| I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again, so take it all the way. And our hearts are on the everglow, so just let go and fall into it.
[Mae; The Everglow]
When I fell for Joelle, one thing sat in the back of my mind the whole time: If Joelle were Adrianne, and I were Chris (her ex), and Adrianne and I were in that situation, I would be so hurt. Thats the Christian ethics, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, which so defines my life coming to play.
But all the while I pursued it. Because I reminded myself, if I were Chris, Adrianne would be the one leaving me. No, Adrianne is Chris, and I am Joelle. And here I am, doing the very same thing that Joelle is, because that's what we need, that's what we deserve. In other words, if Chris treated Joelle like I treated Adrianne, there would be no room for anything between Joelle and I. So I continued to pursue it, but with apprehension.
Now here I sit, contemplating defeat, because of that apprehension. And I regret that. I now realize two things:
First, I could have been her savior. I had the keys to her heart and I hesitated, because I wasn't sure if I was whats best for her. I am whats best for her. But I hesitated, and let him take her back, and she went to whats comfortable, what she longed for, instead of whats new, exciting, and scary, and exactly what she deserves to have. I should have had more self confidence. Whoever ends up with me, and loves me, will be a very lucky girl. If I truly believed this, I would have acted differently.
Second, I approached the whole thing from the wrong direction, from the "if it were me" direction. That's a great attitude to consider, but I now realize its foolish to rest solely upon such ethics. From the start I felt that I didn't want to take something special, amazing, wonderful, life-changing, beautiful, irreplacable, and perfect away from her.
I didn't. But I let him take that away from us. | | Listen to the silence. |
| I don't know what to say. Maybe I should just spend my time all alone.
It hurts so bad to fall for someone and get rejected like that. It hurts much worse to know that your best alternative will break your heart. And I think the story of my life is I am exhausted with my own inability to fix the situation. Sometimes life deals you shitty cards. | | Listen to the silence. |
| | What a world, what a life, I'm in love! | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| A millionaire is justified in spending lots of money on expensive items. No one will call him crazy. If he loses his job, however, he can't continue to spend money in the same way anymore. If he goes bankrupt and continues to try to spend money he doesn't have on luxuries he doesn't need, he is certainly crazy. Similarly, if he has emotional breakdowns because he wanted to spend the rest of his life rich, he will have no justification.
I would love to talk to her every night before I go to sleep. There is nothing wrong with that. This is where my understanding of the situation had previously ended.
I get it now. She isn't sure she wants that right now. And as long as she -doesn't- want to talk to me before she goes to bed, I cannot continue with this as a pre-requisite for functionality. I can want it, and hope for it, and thats all okay. But I cannot expect it, and if I don't get it, I can't let it hurt me.
In other words, there is nothing wrong with requited love, but when love is unrequited, it can no longer be a requisite for living. | | Listen to the silence. |
| k so i've started a diet, started working out, focused my life on jesus, started to overhaul my wardrobe, started to attend churches and surround myself with godly people, and tried to keep up on reading. whats missing?
i am a sleeper. love to sleep. wake up at 11:00 am. go to bed ridiculously late playing video games. this is initiative #1: destroy my lust for late nights and late mornings. it doesn't make a good person, at least not for me.
i need to get off my computer. its always on. its always open. it needs to stop. its open so i look at it. and look at it. and look at it. for hours. i waste so much time. it needs to stay off unless i have a particular goal, and that goal shouldn't be to scour facebook for people to talk to.
i need to keep video games after everything else. played a little zelda today. no problem. the problem comes in when i put off reading my bible so i can play zelda. or work to play zelda. or working out to play zelda. sure i'll get it all done. but zelda needs to come last. it has a lot to do with the sleep thing.
so this week, i'm gunna tackle these three issues. the first will take a long time. the second i plan to tackle by turning my computer off and keeping it in its case. out of sight, out of mind, hopefully. the third will just be determined by self control. i either do it or i don't. focus!
praise god for the strength he's given me to change my life. | | Listen to the smiles, not the silence. |
| | Time: | 09:09 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/angry.gif) aggravated |
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| | all my life i have had an acute sense of forgiveness and staunchness. people mistake this for neediness. just because i will continually do my best to maintain a relationship with you doesn't mean i need you. it means i appreciate you. there's a difference! | | Listen to the silence. |
| | Time: | 03:16 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/happy.gif) refreshed |
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| lol i feel better. it must be a combination of lots of prayer, by me and for me, a few drinks to help me cope with the sadness finally, an interesting chain of biblical revelation, and some good advice from my boss. don't get me wrong, i still miss her and would enjoy spending the rest of my life with her, or at least finding out whether or not that is what we should do. but i'm not as sad. i don't feel anxious to talk to her for the sake of talking to her. i feel like i can do more now, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. it feels good.
everyone loves jeremiah 29:11. for the life of me i can't remember scripture references, but i can remember this one because i've heard it so many times. i know the plans i have for you declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. i was reading in romans how we get our salvation through grace, and we, therefore, have no right to be upset when some of us are chosen to be glorified and others are chosen to help the glorified understand what they've been saved from. this is much more consistent, i think, with god's character. the jeremiah passage, on the other hand, was from a specific prophet to a specific time to a specific people, viz. the israelites as they were being saved from babylon. jeremiah sure didn't say "i know the plans i have for you, plans to send you into babylon and cause great hardship for your people."
so a friend says "god wants me to share this verse with you, its jeremiah 29:11." i'm not going to tell him that i've heard it 100 times and its out of context. i smile and say thanks. then i meet with my boss. among other things, he indicates to me that being a father has really decrypted many of the actions of god. god loves us like sons and daughters. i get it. okay. so then i head to church, and here's the part that ties it all together. he's talking about hosea. hosea was decrying the unfaithfulness of israel, and indicated that they will be punished. but he indicated israel was a macrocosm of the individual; god does the very same thing with us on an individual level. we mess up and are unfaithful (i sure was), god punishes us (i sure am being punished), but then he forgives us. just like he forgave israel. and after he punished israel what did he tell them? "i know the plans i have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
maybe the verse is for me after all. i messed up, i'm being punished, but the punishment is corrective, not destructive. i get it. maybe thats why i'm at ease. i'm very happy that god has taken me back. i will -never- make the same mistake again because of the tremendous pain the discipline was, which makes the discipline effective.
i guess when you view your hardship as discipline, as something you've caused and something that is now necessary, you can't help but feel better about it. | | Listen to the silence. |
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accomplished